burying a child · child loss · grief · grieving loss of child · life · Uncategorized

In the 8th year…

Exactly 8 years ago I was on my way home from the hospital. I was big and pregnant and an emotional wreck because I was going to be meeting my baby the next day. Only, I would not just be meeting our first baby boy, but I would be entering into an unknown territory. I would be adding this new little bundle to our family that I would keep forever. It would not be a bundle of joy like most people would hope, but I would be bringing home a lifetime of grief and what ifs.

If you’ve been hanging out on my blog for long you know that I’m referring to Hudson and the day he was born. I don’t even know if the term to be used is “born” because he had already died inside of my womb. Grief would be strapped to my chest instead of a baby strapped to a car seat on that ride home. Grief would be the newest addition to my family and my life.

I cannot tell you exactly how the journey with grief has gone the past 8 years. There have been {and still are} many tears shed, many green-eyed monster moments, many-many times where I have felt left behind, and several times where I am just sad. For the most part life just moves on and I sit on the walking sidewalk of life when it comes to the grief. At the beginning of this year I wrote about how much my life is changing and how it seems to be heading in this direction of uncomfortable places. Amazingly uncomfortable places. I think for a few years my grief held me back from so many things.

Maybe in the 7th year it finally starts to heal. The band-aid is more than just a mere covering of the wound at this point. I feel that the band-aid is gone and in the place of the deep gutted wound is a pink scar. Pink because it is still fresh. A scar because it will always be there – and I want it to always be there.

Tomorrow is the 8th year and even though I am sad, I think I am in a much better place in every aspect of my life. Usually on this day {I think just about every year except for last year} I do a little spa day for me. This year I will be forgoing the spa day again, last year we were out of town. I’ll be spending the day with my kids and enjoying the two that I have here, missing our third, but being grateful for the life I am able to enjoy.

We are not given promises that this life here on earth is going to be easy. We are actually told just the opposite – that we will face trials and hardships. If I were to choose to continue to let the grief, sadness, and jealousy {over families} rule over my thoughts then I would miss out on all of the other blessings in my life. SO knowing that I am not immune to the hardships helps me be prepared and turns the question of “why me” into “why not me”. It does not mean that I do not have horrid thoughts {believe me, sit with me when I’m venting to my husband or closest friends and you’ll hear them} but it does mean that I do not let them rule over my life.

I hope that if you are having a hard time with something or going through something that you aren’t letting that “something” take over your life. We are more than our hardships and our trials. Those things might shape how we interact with others or make us view things differently, but we cannot let ourselves be controlled by the trials. My best advice is to continue trusting in God and His plan for us. Not His plan to make our life here in earth easier, but that after this life we will spend an eternity without the pain and grief. I trust in that plan completely because I, for one, cannot wait to be reunited with one sweet and amazing little boy.

Happy 8th Birthday Hudson Greer Henninger – you are loved and missed more than words could ever even express.

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3 thoughts on “In the 8th year…

  1. Kimberly, you are wise beyond your years. Would that I could take away the reason you have become so, but I can’t. Please know that God used you to reach me today. I have not walked in your shoes and do not share your experience. But I needed the comfort and strength your words convey. I needed the reminder and the encouragement. Thank you, honey, for opening your heart and sharing it. Thank you for allowing God to use you. You make a difference.
    Happy Birthday, sweet Hudson.
    Bev

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