burying a child · child loss · children · grieving loss of child · pregnancy · sanity · screaming child · stress · struggles · support · tired

Sometimes I Just…

want to bang my head on the steering wheel. I hate to admit it and I really hate writing about it, but its one of those things that needs to be documented in my life. Three days a week I take Heidi to my mom’s house while I am at work. When I pick Heidi up I never know what I am in store for on the trip home. A nice quiet ride while Heidi sleeps/plays or me riding in a trance. What is this trance you wonder? I have to put myself in one or else I might drive off a cliff. The times when Heidi is not sleeping or playing in her car seat she is screaming – worse than screaming. She is yelling, choking on her screams – it is a nightmare.

I am sure that I am totally offending people by writing that I want to drive myself off a cliff because of my child’s screams. You have to realize that even though I still sometimes cannot get over the fact that I am so blessed to have Heidi and that I thought I would never have a living child, I still have some sanity that is tested. The past month, ever since we came home from Pittsburgh, has been so rough. John and I were used to Heidi going to bed at 7:30PM, sleeping through the night and waking up at 8AM without having to do anything to coax her to sleep. No rocking, no crying – nothing. Just feed her and put her to bed and she would go to sleep. Now it is a completely different story. Now we have to do anything we can to get her to sleep. And her new “sleep” is in a couple of 2-3 hour shifts at night. So – I am living on little sleep at the moment and also driving in a trance.

The only thing I continue to tell myself, and that I know for sure, is that this passes and everything is really okay. Heidi is here, she’s healthy, and she is absolutely wonderful. I would not pass up these screams for anything. Would I enjoy sleeping a full 8 hours and a peaceful ride home? Yes, absolutely.

I would never want to offend anyone that reads this blog. I do however want to put this post out there – because moms need to know that everyone can experience moments when they want to drive off a cliff. Even when you have lost a child and are heartbroken it can happen. I truly believe you appreciate things more when you have lost it before. As much as I still stare at Heidi wondering if she is real and as much as I thank God that she is here and thank Him for blessing me I still am human. Does that make sense? I mean I know everyone says you can still love something and still get frustrated – for example a screaming child. I guess what I really mean is having a child did not come easy to us and even though I am more grateful for her than I feel any other person could feel grateful for a child I still experience moments like I have described above. So if you are in the “pregnancy didn’t/hasn’t come easy and I have experienced a loss” club its normal to feel this way…

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4 thoughts on “Sometimes I Just…

  1. I so understand what you mean!!! I too lost a child due to still birth, then I had a preemie at 26 weeks and the I had two healthy pregnancies but that screaming gets me everytime. I am so thankful for those 3 wonderful blessing in my life but I think the same way you do. We just don't seem to get the break we so deserve.

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  2. I know how hard the lack of sleep can be. Ellie, too, gets so ouot of sorts when we travel and it takes her a while to readjust. That, coupled with my chronic insomnia has made for some really difficult days lately.

    I was reminded one night, as I layed in bed wide awake in the very early hours of the morning (think, 2am…) that got really will give us enough grace for each moment. It doesn't mean our patience won't be tested… but that He will give us His strength to make it moment by moment. The planner in me has difficulty not thinking several steps ahead; but I am learning in a fresh way what it means to trust God for the moment… even in the littlest things, like a peaceful ride home.

    I know it is hard. You are doing a great job!!! Hang in there 🙂

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  3. I can relate even though I have a baby that sleeps all night , I still have moments. She doesn't nap during the day & it's hard sometimes to get things done. I love all my children to no end . Last Saturday my husband wasn't feeling good so I got to go get groceries without kids alone. I even stay up at night just so I can have a hr or so of just me. Some people say it terrible but I think everyone needs a break.

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