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#1 Fear

One of my biggest fears while pregnant with Heidi was that I would not be able to love her as much as Hudson or that I would make her try to live up to a little boy that we never got to truly meet. Well, if any of you that are carrying your little rainbow babies have that same fear – fear not. I know that parents always say they love each child as much as the other and I guess that works in my case as well. Heidi is her own person with her own little growing personality. There is not even the slightest comparison of my two children. Maybe in the looks department, but nowhere else. I know that she is not replacing Hudson and never will she, but at this point – right now – I do not even think I could imagine him being here. Of course I do sometimes start wondering what it would be like if he was here, but he’s not. Does it still sting when “the whole family” is together and he’s not? Absolutely. I guess at some point you can become too distracted to grieve or to imagine – maybe an almost 4 month old can do that to your brain 🙂 If Hudson were still here our experience with Heidi would be completely different. We would not be the newbie parents and we would know what we were doing – for the most part. Everything with Heidi has been such a learning experience. I know that losing Hudson has given her the chance to be more appreciated and loved. As much as I have hurt the past 21 months I have also had the most joy in my life as well.

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4 thoughts on “#1 Fear

  1. I often think that if we do get pregnant again, I will be so afraid to bond with the baby. Afraid that if I fall in love with the next baby, and it ends the same way our first pregnancy did that I just won't be able to handle more pain. I feel like my next baby will be cheated out of some love, because of my fear. It is so good to hear your perspective on this!

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