I don’t know if it is just me and my neurotic-anal personality or my obsession with being a planner, but I had always had such high hopes for myself by my 10-year reunion. I guess when you are 18 being 28 seems so old and you think that by then you will have your whole life established and figured out. Some of the things I thought would have happened (at the age of 18 mind you) included finishing college/med school/whatever, getting married, finished with having children, look my best (weight, being tan, etc), and having some huge and impressive career. While I was putting the slide show together I started reflecting on my expectations. I cropped senior pictures that Heather scanned from our yearbook and I began thinking about all these people I have known for more than half of my life. My goals crossed my mind and I began to become depressed and absolutely dread for the weekend to come. I wanted to it come and go and be done with it. The thoughts of “I look horrible”; “I’m fat”; “I’m so pale they will think I am a vampire”; “I haven’t even started graduate school yet”; “not finished having all our kids yet”….all of these thoughts kept my attitude down. On a side note – I did think of the fact that my front two teeth are straight and not crossed like in high school.
I thought about the friends I keep in touch with, the ones that were really never my friends, those I didn’t know very well, those that had a rough time in high school, and the best friend that told me “I’m not interested in your friendship anymore”. It’s crazy to think about all of those people. I wondered what those people would have thought about me if they were reflecting over the pictures. Ten years ago I was a completely different person than I am today, but yet some of those people will probably only remember (if they even remember) who I was back then. That is completely fine because I am proud of the peppy-little-emotional-basket-case-cheerleader I was 🙂 At least I have evolved into a peppy-just had a baby-neurotic-mother! Needless to say I started feeling down and it began taking a toll on my self-esteem. Add the fact that I was stressing about Heidi and her possibly staying at my mom’s on Saturday and that added stress did not help with milk production – which made me stress even more…ugh!
So, Friday arrived and my mom said, “how about I stay at your house on Saturday night?” AHHH music to my ears! That made me feel so much better. I started feeling like a selfish mother wanting to have just one night of being “foot loose and fancy free”. I started thinking about before Heidi and how much I wanted a child and how so many other women would do anything to be in my situation – and it made me feel guilty that I wanted a night out. I also felt guilty that the stress was not helping the pumping situation and then wondering if I would need to suppliment some formula for the night. That also made me feel selfish. That’s the thing about parenthood I am having to learn – that’s its ok to think of yourself and do something for yourself.
Once we got in to finish a few last minute details with the rest of the planning crew I finally was able to relax. I do owe a big thanks to facebook because people know what’s going on and you don’t have to do so much small talk. One of my friends (one of those that I have lost touch with) came towards the very end (he had not RSVPd – so it was surprising) and we were talking about different things and he had mentioned another guy in our class did not come because he and his wife and baby live at home with his parents. I told the friend – that is dumb, who cares, its just a fun time to hang out and see people you once saw everyday. Did that just come out of my mouth? Wow, shouldn’t I listen to my own advice? For a week I was being so hard on myself and I was so down – and here there are so many others that are embarrassed of where they are with their lives ten years down the road. I started thinking – why? Why not just be happy with all that has taken place. Why do we feel the need to be impressive with what’s going on in our lives? Everyday mundane things can be impressive to other people. The fact that I have this blog is what some people enjoyed talking about – which made me feel so good!
Holly the “reunion crasher”
Josh singing “Kiss” by Prince….he was in the running for “Most Shy” our senior year!
The weekend turned out to be a blast. John and I had so much fun. I got to be reunited with Erin, Johanna, Freddie, Melissa, CMK, Ashley and all of those out there that I could not have gotten through high school without. I got to compare breastfeeding stories and talk with another new mom (they had a little baby 2 weeks after Heidi was born) about how badly our boobs hurt from not being able to nurse or pump. It was a great “1st mommies night out”. My mom stayed at our house to watch Heidi and that was much easier than having her stay away for the night. I really do not think I will be ready for that for awhile – and my parents only live 20 minutes away from me! Sunday we had a little family picnic and the rain stopped most everyone from coming, but a good number still came. Its so fun to see everyone’s new families 🙂 I guess my ending advice (take it or leave it) is that be proud of where you are right now in life. Don’t think that just because you aren’t where you thought you would be does not mean you should be embarrassed about it. Life gets in the way of having too many plans – and God laughs at you when you make your plans 🙂