Mother’s Day is one of those strange “holidays”. It is one of those “excluding” type of holidays that only certain people are allowed to be celebrated and appreciated. It’s one of those holidays that people love or hate. Kind of like Valentine’s Day – you know you hate it because all of the love in the air and you are sitting at home alone. That’s kind of how Mother’s Day is for me. Of course this year is different because I am obviously pregnant so strangers wished me a “Happy Mother’s Day” referring to BG in the belly. They, of course, have no idea about Hudson and what kind of mother I actually am. I am a mother that grieves the loss of a son while trying to mask having too much excitement about her daughter that could be here in the next few weeks. I am a mother that isn’t able to be woken up by a toothless (well, at this point few teeth) grin trying to muster out mom. I am a mother who has to correct everyone that she is not a mom-to-be, but a mother that they will never (at least I hope none of my friends or foes have to) even understand what I have been through in the past year. My nephew seems to understand – the sweet little boy he is, wished me a happy mother’s day – but I could see that sadness in his eyes missing his little cousin he never had the chance to meet (even though he probably misses him more so because of all the girls he is surrounded by!!).
I kind of think Mother’s Day is a rotten holiday. For one, think about all that mothers do for their families and children. How many of you went rummaging at the last minute to grab some generic card signing a generic “love, so-in-so”? Why would only one day be set aside to honor the person who is pretty much the sole reason for your existence? Oh don’t worry I am guilty of it too – I even left the cards on the piano as I was rushing out to church; mainly because the day started off rotten and I was in a bad mood, but I forgot them nonetheless. Father’s day falls in the same category as well. Why do we want to have a holiday that makes others feel pain? All the women out there unable to bare children or who are trying and trying and it does not happen. It is just another day for them to feel sad and another reminder of wanting something they cannot achieve. It is another day for me to personally know that the one who made me a mother will never utter those words for my ears to hear.
During church the preacher spoke about mothers during the Me to We session we have been covering the past few weeks. Of course Hannah was a hot topic as usual. The preacher also spoke about those who are in pain because they are trying to become pregnant and have children. I thought that was great to cover that segment as well – and then I saw a woman start sobbing (and try to cover it up) on another side of the church. I wanted to reach out to her, but I know that seeing me in my present condition would only be another reminder. Mother’s and Mother’s to be were asked to stand – which once again outcasts those who are in pain. I stood as I dug my nose into the bulletin – knowing I had been classified into the Mother-to-be category.
After church my brother, sister, and I went to visit my grandmother. I had to wear a mask. I cannot remember if I have mentioned on a previous posting about how my grandmother broke her arm and hip and ever since then it has been downhill. She formed bedsores in the hospital and they caught a bacteria. I cannot have skin to skin contact with my own grandmother – there is just too much at risk. So we walk into her room and there she is laying – head slumped over with no life in her body. This woman who taught each of us to ride houses, milk goats, work on a farm – how to work hard in the animal world. Now she lays there as we watch for her to die. I know I for one watched the rise and fall of her chest wondering if that would be the last breath.
At one point she looked up at me and reached out her hand. I had to put a glove on, but I held her hand when she reached for me. Do you know what I was thinking while I was holding her hand? I was praying for God to take her pain away and that if it was time then let it happen. She would never want to be seen this way or live this way. She was always put together and ready for company and always embarrassed if she was caught unprepared. So at that moment I prayed for her to die. Sounds kind of cruel, but why would we want someone to live on this earth in a way they would hate to be living? It is cruel for us to hold onto a body that the soul we once knew no longer lives in.
We later left the nursing home and went to my sister’s house for lunch. The rest of the day went well. When I got home there was a card from John, Hunter, Hudson, and H*********(BG). John had to work and when he got home he cooked steaks on the grill and a very nice Mother’s Day dinner. All in all it was a nice day, but I think I would have had a better day if it did not have a title on it. It is just another day I am reminded of what I have lost and what will never be. Even though I know the future is bright ahead and we will soon have our perfect little girl here in our arms ready for us to teach her about the world there are still so many moments I wish Hudson could be here.