That Question

It happens everyday. I still haven’t find the most appropriate answer (as in to get people to stop asking once I answer), but I have found one that seems to work so far. You know – it’s the “is this your first?” question. I get it several times a day – everyday. My answer, of course, is “no”. Then it leads to the other series of questions. The very first question sometimes is “how far along?” and then “is it a boy or girl?” and then that question comes along followed by “oh, was your first a boy or girl?” then “how old is he?”. That’s when it becomes tricky. You don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable, but at this point I have realized they are making me uncomfortable with the long series of questions that for some reason strangers need to know. People are really nosy, have you noticed?

So the dialogue goes something like this:

“How far along are you?”
Me: — weeks
“Do you know if it is a boy or girl?”
Me: Girl
–then some comment is made on how I am carrying so low and how it looks like I am carrying a boy, etc…–
“Is this your first?”
Me: No
“Oh, what was your first child a boy or girl?”
Me: A boy
“Oh how perfect, a boy and a girl – how old is he?”
Me: (thinking it is all far from perfect) He would be a little over a year.

Now, at this point you would think the questions would stop – clearly if they were listening they would have heard me say “he would be..”. Sometimes people probably think I have misspoken, have poor grammar when speaking, or they aren’t even listening at all. I think the person not listening is the part that irritates me the most. Usually the rest of the conversation is about having two children and blah blah – I don’t even listen anymore because it all just annoys me really. I guess I also get annoyed by useless advice because clearly I will not have a child at home already to introduce BG to. There are a few people (maybe 1 in 100) that catch the words I say and then I can go into Hudson’s story and that is when I don’t mind all of the meaningless questions from strangers because then they can leave thinking.

It doesn’t stop with the questions. Those are just one topic on my list of conversation items that annoy me. Maybe its the hormones, anxiety, and stress I am feeling right now as BG’s arrival date nears. Am I stressed about her being here and having a newborn? Not one bit – I think we all know by now I am ready. We all know its my being pregnant and fear of something going wrong when we’re almost at the finish line.

Sometimes I never know what to say when people say certain things to me. My feelings really get hurt and there’s really nothing I or anyone else can do about it. I know that there is not any substance to comments that are made, but it still stings…its the ones all parents give to expectant mom and dads.

“Welcome to the club” – seriously? I do believe I was pregnant and gave birth to my first child over a year ago…thanks for remembering

“You sure you’re ready for this?” – well, for one I did have a child over a year ago so apparently I was ready then and now I am pregnant with my second one that I am praying I get to keep and not bury this time – yeah I am ready.

“Look what you get to look forward to” (usually said when a child is acting up, crying, or misbehaving) – yes, I am looking forward to it…it sure is better than you burying your child.

“Just wait until you have a little one running around” – oh seriously? trust me we have been waiting and we should have a little one running.

“When you become a mom.” – I will not even go there with this one.

There are several others, but unfortunately this is a post I have wanted to write for such a long time now that I have forgotten other examples, but you get the drift.

Back to the initial subject “is this your first”. Its such a strange thought that Hudson will always be my first child, my first son, my first pregnancy, and my first to give birth to. That’s where it ends. The rest is BG – she will be my first to hear a first cry, my first to give a first bath, my first to bring home from the hospital, my first diaper change, and it goes on and on. It does not make sense that I am having child #2 and I should already be a pro at all of the things you do when having a baby or newborn. Truth is John and I will be learning all of the firsts with our second child. It’s not the way life is supposed to happen, but it is how our life is happening.

The cycle will never stop…it will happen with all of my future pregnancies as well. I guess it is just one of those things that will become easier with time like everything else.


8 thoughts on “That Question

  1. I felt the sting too, when someone said that “now you get an idea of what you're in for soon” when speaking of my sister's baby. Our babies lives were too short, and sometimes people unthinking comments just seem to diminish the life further.
    Anticipating BG's arrival with you!


  2. Wow!! I have heard so many of these remarks and while they aren't meant to hurt me, they sure do sting anyway! thank you for just putting it out there. So many of us feel it. I am hopefully welcoming our son into this world (second born- my firstborn daughter passed away) on Tuesday and I can SO relate to this post.

    Thinking of you and your precious BG on the way. XX


  3. Isn't it AMAZING how many people ask…even now and Callyn is 6 months old …people still ask ALL the time. I am a chicken and usually walk off if I can!! or just say NO and walk off or i say the same thing you do! her sister WOULD be 2. and yes…I would LOVE to be a busy mom of 2- just in case your next commment was going to be something like that!!


  4. Well, I am one of those individuals who put my foot in my mouth asking those questions 😦 Working with women every day who are shopping for clothes after pregnancies, I have tried to be very thoughtful in the questions that I ask, because through your experience, I have become very aware of how pregnancy is not “perfect” for everyone. I actually just asked a woman last week how old her child was because she was looking for jeans to fit after being pregnant. Her answer was that “my pregnancy didn't work out.”

    I felt like a fool, and almost cried at work, and just couldn't believe that I caused the same pain/irritation/annoyance that I have tried so hard to be aware of…

    For those of us who can be so insensitive, with or without intention, I truly apologize.


  5. Yeah, those questions are annoying now. People ARE nosy! I think they're just trying to be nice and make small talk but they have no idea what they're getting into.


  6. I discovered your blog page through a friend's page. We seem to have so much in common with sharing loss, fears with a new pregnancy, and everything that comes along with it. I admire you for posting your thoughts and fears throughout your journey. Sometimes JUST knowing that there is somebody out there who shares the same experiences makes the road a little less bumpy. I lost my first at 27 weeks due to bloodclot issues with Lupus. Miscarriage in September. Just discovered I am 8 weeks along into my 3rd pregnancy. IT'S TERRIFYING. It's answered prayers. It's God in control.

    You seem to be an amazing young woman. Many prayers going out for you and your little family…


  7. I love reading these posts because they make me feel less crazy. It is so very hard in so many ways being pregnant again. We try to be positive but every.single.thing about being pregnant again is difficult. You are doing great!


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