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Pushed Back

Today I was able to talk with my specialist – regarding the GD testing. I let him know that I failed the first test and he wanted to talk with me about it after I took a few of his labs – regarding a few other issues with my body. Dr. O is a little concerned about me failing the first GD test while being on metformin – a concern I have as well. He, as well as some other doctors, feel that the baseline is too high on the GD test in the first place and that more needs to be done. He told me that there is more to this insulin resistance than we are giving credit to. Recently he had a patient that lost her baby at 36 weeks and the placenta came back as showing insulin resistance. This woman failed her first GD testing as well. The only comfort I feel is that I am on metformin and we are working to do something about my issue because we already know about it.

On Monday I go to his office to learn how to check my glucose levels twice a day – by pricking my finger. I will have to check once right when I wake up and then alternate meals each day. One day breakfast, the next day lunch, the next dinner, and so on. I have increased my exercising and I am watching even more closely what I am eating. No more slip ups or allowing for junk…kind of hard when you have already been watching yourself so closely.

I have been feeling great the past few weeks – that nothing devastating is going to happen. With this I feel right back to where I felt months ago. I thought that being so close to 30 weeks was scary, but now its just outright scary being pregnant. I hear stories of people being scared about the birthing process and having the children once they are home, but have you ever heard of someone scared of being pregnant? I am ready for the birth – been there and experienced the worst possible birthing experience. I am ready to bring BG home – at least she will be there and I can see what is going on!

At this moment I want to stop planning and preparing for her arrival. I just want the next 13 (or less) weeks to pass on quickly and her to be here. I don’t want to listen to everyone’s “it’s going to be fine” stories because the truth is they don’t know that and there is always doubt in those voices. Truthfully I don’t want to talk to anyone about it because there is not anyone here that knows what I am going through or knows how this feels. I am surrounded by friends and family with perfectly healthy children and here I sit scared of being pregnant. It’s really not fair to have to go through the thought of losing another child. In general its not fair for anyone to have to lose a child at all. I plan on being a hermit the next 13 weeks – so if you don’t hear from me (as in locally – I will still be blogging) don’t take offense. I just want to live in a bubble for a little while.

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6 thoughts on “Pushed Back

  1. Praying for you. I read your blog often, and this post especially hit me. I'm on the opposite side. I'm not so scared of pregnancy….but scared of bringing our baby home, getting comfortable with him, feeling like all is well, then being blind-sided with loss…again. So, your fears are completely sound, understandable, and realistic. No one knows how you feel except those who have been there….just like no one knows the loss I feel unless they've experienced it. You and I both know the loss of a child, and like you said – that kind of loss in so unfair….it's something no one should ever have to experience. It leaves us fearful and scared….we try to think positively and just trust in God, but in the back of our minds is the worry and paranoia that it'll happen again.

    Thinking of you and following you every step of the way. Hang in there, and please keep us updated.

    Lindsay
    (Another mom to a baby in heaven)

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  2. I'm praying for you, too, Kimberley – for peace that is stronger than all the fears and thoughts combined. I was just saying something similar to my sister this evening – about how I just want to be able to have my baby in my arms. I don't really care to be pregnant, I just want my baby safe and sound.
    I've given up sweets for lent which has been challenging, and so I very much admire your will-power in trying to eat well for your baby.
    All best with the hermit-ing!

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  3. Praying for you as you work through the GD issue and prepare for baby girl's arrival. And you are right… while people have great intentions in saying that everything will be fine, no one knows for sure. For those of us who have lost a child, all is not fine… it wasn't before, and we're very aware of how fragle life is.

    Praying for God's peace to envelope and comfort your heart.

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  4. I am so sorry you are having to worry through this pregnancy. It's just not fair. You would think God would give all of us text book pregnancies after losing a baby. I pray for you and your new little one every day. I don't blame you for becoming a hermit. Getting that little bundle in your belly here safely is the only thing that matters right now. I'm pretty much doing the same thing. I'm terrified of being pregnant! I was just telling my husband yesterday that I COULD NOT WAIT for Seth to be OUTSIDE of my belly and safe… Most women get impatient towards the end of their pregnancy, but this is more than that. It's like a gut wrenching fear that this baby is so close to being here safely in my arms, but that so much can happen in the blink of an eye to take that away from me. I feel like once he's out of me at least I'd be able to see if something was starting to happen to him. We'll get there this time. No, I don't know that 100%, but I have to believe that for both of us because I can't even begin to imagine the alternative.
    (((BIG HUGS)))

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  5. Dear Kimberly,

    So far I have been a “silent” reader, even though I have been reading your blog for a while. I have two small children, and in the past when I complained about not having enough sleep, the crying didn't stop, our place looked like a mess because there is not time to do anything…I now appreciate so much what I have.
    Thank you for sharing your story, I am thinking of you.

    Bianka

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  6. Live in the bubble if need be! Right now I'm only 14 wks but I'm already ready for this baby to be here! I just want this baby here safe. While I trust God, I can't help by have my moments of worry, doubt, and fear. I try to ignore the people who don't get it.

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