When will there be a day that I can hold my head above water? I would just like a full 24 hours where something is in my favor. What a great time for me to try and not worry about all of this – which logically I should not worry about anything because everything is out of my control, right? Then again according to multiple people I am a nutcase. I would like to add I am a proud nutcase – ha!
Yesterday I had three separate conversations with Judy at Dr. Helmken’s office. The first was to let her know that Tuesday was the day I had my HCG injections, therefore the test would probably be skewed. Judy said that from everything she saw and heard that my ultrasounds looked great! The second conversation was to let me know that indeed HCG would be measured in the blood test so at least when we get the results back we will know why the level is so high. Judy also let me know that she wanted to give the specialist a call to see exactly what their findings were in that ultrasound versus what has been found now. I told her go ahead.
On my way home from work last night I got a call from Judy stating she spoke to Ashley the genetics counselor (aka Negative Nancy). Judy told her about the new findings and Ashley told her that it didn’t matter, that because it was there in the first place that means something could be wrong. Judy explained to her that John and I needed a little wiggle room in making our decisions – given the fact of everything we have already experienced. I am sure they talked about how crazy I am and how I thought I knew everything and how I just won’t listen and blah blah, but at least by me educating myself I am not taking the one solution given and I am finding ways to go about the same tests in ways that I am more comfortable in doing.
So – this is the new plan and this is what I am sticking with for at least the next six weeks. I will have my next OB appointment on January 11th. I have cancelled the specialist appointment that was scheduled for the 13th. Instead I will have an anatomy scan (or whatever it is called) at 18 weeks on the 26th. At THIS appointment I will THEN decide on the amniocentesis. WHEN I see that there is a healthy baby with nothing to be concerned about I will not elect to have the procedure. If there is anything that is alarming and shows there is something for concern then I will have the procedure. If that little genetics counselor had listened to me in the first place then this is what the schedule would have been already. Sometimes I wonder if these people really ever listen, or care to listen, to their patients. Luckily I will not take only one solution and I will firmly make sure I get my way – especially when involving my child.
In the mean time I still ask for prayers for our baby. My plan is to not worry about anything. No more freak out visits to the hospital, no more googling things like “flat face ultrasounds”, no more googling in general, no more worrying. I am going to just sit back, pray, pray, pray, and let what is not in my control be handled by God. Like I said before – there really isn’t a point to worrying. What good would it do? It certainly does not help. Maybe this will relax me and I can change my psychotic reputation I am sure I now have at the doctor’s office.