There are so many mixed emotions that float through my head daily – half the time the thought comes and goes before I have a chance to write about it. Then the though comes back and the cycle continues. Throughout this entire pregnancy I have felt so guilty about not being attached to baby #2. If you have not been through a similar experience I am sure you are completely shocked that one could not be attached to a baby. If all you know and associate being pregnant with is heartbreak and loss then it makes sense. It is normal to distance yourself to something that can at times be so uncertain. All that has happened the past few days with finding out that something could possibly be wrong with this baby made me realize that I would of course be devastated if something were to happen to this baby too. Of course I already knew that and I knew that getting pregnant a second time would be full of fear and mainly faith that God would lead me through the shadows of fear.
It is crazy to think that I would have to worry about something going wrong. We found the reasons from losing Hudson – so we should be set right? I am taking injection after injection and pill after pill to ensure that my body can properly nurture and care for this baby. That should be enough, right? Well, it’s not. Now it has nothing to do with me and it’s something with the baby. Something that no one but God has control over. Something that we must pray for everyday that it will go away and not harm my healthy baby. How does any of this seem fair? Does it make sense to you? I will be honest and tell you when we heard the news my first question and statement was in my head to God – “God, are you serious? Why me again? Haven’t I proved how strong I am in having faith in you? Why does Satan continue to fight to lead me to his side? Doesn’t he know by now I’m never going to stop having faith?” I think if we don’t admit that we do ask God why then we aren’t being honest with ourselves and others that we are ministering to. Of course we ask why. We just also know that the “whys” will be shown to us in His time.
At times I look at my own life – everything that has happened in the past 2 years and I think wow, look at everything John and I have been through together. Look at how our faith and our relationship with God has advanced. It is amazing that even though we have faced so many trials we still realize how overly blessed we truly are.
It is hard to think about something going wrong with this baby. Sometimes I wonder if I am more scared of losing this baby because I have been there and I know what it feels like already. I know what the heartache feels like and I am scared to face it again. Would I be mourning a child(ren) or the fact that I can’t do what everyone else seems to be able to do without a hitch? I guess it would be all of the above – there is so much emotion that is involved in the whole subject matter. So many other factors that have contributed to my grief. This whole year has felt like a blur – like my life has stood still while everyone else continues about their business without fears.