Comforting Others With the Comfort We Have Received
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
This is the third week of the study and I am just now joining in writing. This week we were asked to write about the journey of meeting our child and how we felt during that time. I have already read the posts that other women have written today and basically I have spent a morning crying and grieving with these women. I have also felt a comfort knowing that I am not alone – not only because these other women share a similar story, but also because I know that God is wrapping his arms around me in my struggles. So, in line with the study here is my story:
Next I called my mom and she made the calls to my dad and sister. Everyone then came to the hospital/doctor’s office. The waited in her actually business office while my doctor examined me and told us about the decisions we had to make. I knew exactly what she was going to say because I remember the story I had read earlier. I had to decide between a c-section and being induced. I couldn’t do it – I couldn’t decide. We were probably there an hour just trying to make he decision. I wasn’t supposed to be deciding this – I was supposed to be deciding what to wear to my upcoming baby shower in Atlanta. The c-section we could have right then, but the induction would take a day maybe 2 or 3. I wanted the c-section. I knew I could not emotionally keep going back and forth to the hospital knowing what was going on. The doctor kept leaning towards induction and when I said c-section she told me to think it over some more. Finally we were all together and I said c-section, final answer. She took a sigh and then explained my uterus at 30 weeks versus 40 weeks and how at 30 weeks there are complications with future pregnancies and so forth. So, I then made my decision based on the future. I was going to have an induction. Apparently everyone seemed relieved at this choice.
The procedure began – I was given cervidil to open my cervix and then sent home with prescriptions for xanax, viccadin, and other heavy drugs. I only got about 4 hours of sleep that night – waking up sobbing a few times not believing the events that had happened. We returned to the hospital at 8AM for my next dose of cervidil and were instructed to return at 8PM for my next round. We left there and met up with John’s parents and brother who came into town for support. We went to breakfast and then back to my parents house where I slept while they visited. Our dog Hunter stayed with me comforting me knowing that something just wasn’t right. I know that Hunter also mourned the death of Hudson. John’s family left while I was sleeping and then I just laid in bed the rest of the day. I did get up to take a shower and “get ready” for going to the hospital.
We made it to the room at around 8:30PM and then the anesthesiologist came in for the epidural. I had never really wanted an epidural, but I thought it might make things easier for me during this time. Our nurse hooked me up to the Pitocin which never got to work because I delivered Hudson at around 10:45PM. I pushed a few times and out came our beautiful 15″ 3lbs-2oz baby. He was absolutely perfect – literally. They took Hudson to clean him and then John and I were presented our son wrapped in his special blanket my mom made for him. Holding him I never wanted to let him go. We took pictures, had many copies of his feet made, his hand prints in plaster, and got a lock of his hair. I wish I had more time to prepare to make all of the memories and to get ideas of keepsakes to make for Hudson. I still wish I had more pictures and more things to remember him by. I do know of course I will always remember all the details of his birthday – they are etched in my mind forever.
It was so very hard to keep looking at Hudson knowing that this would be the last time we saw him on earth – I wish we would have had more time, but the more time we spent with him the more we were attached and the harder it got. It has been 5 and 1/2 months since that day and still it has taken me hours to write out his story because I have had to stop the tears. Not once during our experience have we gotten mad or angry with God – we know he has a purpose for everything. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t asked God why – why us? why Hudson? It just means that we are living the faith we preach – we are living examples of knowing that God give and takes away, but that we are to ever praise His name – (paraphrase from Job 1:21).