burying a child · child loss · God · grief · grieving loss of child · Hudson · pregnancy · remembering · stillbirth · stillborn

Seriously?

So yesterday was Day 42 (making today Day 43) of nothingness – no period. I went to the doctor at 8AM and after 10AM when I finally got out I felt more violated than I did when giving birth. I am not going into details of where I was poked and prodded because I am blushing just thinking about it. Anyways I am not pregnant which is okay, so don’t think I am disappointed because I am not. I reread the post below and I know that I am not exactly ready for another pregnancy – if it happens then it is meant to and I will be excited though!

While at the Dr’s office I was tested for many things and lastly we are waiting on the results from a thyroid test – which she said felt okay, but the blood will show better. I was prescribed Provera (? – I think that is what it’s called, but I am not sure) to help me release the “stuff” otherwise “have a period”. I don’t have any cysts or any masses which they checked me for, but during an ultrasound they did find a 15mm follicle which means that I will be ovulating soon, so we have that to think about. Should I take advantage of this follicle hanging out or just continue on with my “whatever happens, happens” plan? I know that knowing there is a follicle doesn’t mean that I will get pregnant, but it does increase the chances to time it right. So basically all day and night I have been thinking about this follicle – I even dreamed about it. I guess what I am thinking is should I take the medicine or not – I just don’t know.

While at the Dr’s office (I saw the nurse practitioner – the same one that was there when we discovered that Hudson did not have a heartbeat anymore) she was asking me some questions. She kept referring to Hudson as my “fetal demise” – I wanted to punch her and scream, “his name is Hudson”. She then asked if I had passed everything at the time or if the doctor had to do a D&C. I told her I passed everything myself. She then said, “you were 18 weeks, right?”. I was speechless – literally speechless when I could finally muster out, “Um, NO I was 30 weeks”. Seriously? Do they not have my information in those little computers they are always carrying around? Last time I was there for my check-up in May they asked if I was still on birth control (Yaz) and I had to say, “Uh, I have never been on birth control in my life”. I don’t know what is going on with this office, but they need to get it together or I will have to go somewhere else. I absolutely love my doctor, but all the others I have been seeing lately just aren’t cutting it. Maybe from now on I will just make sure to only see my doctor.

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