Tonight John and I went out to eat. In the bar area of the restaurant there was the normal sign that hangs in all bars – “WARNING – consumption of alcohol by pregnant women may cause birth defects”. That got the little mouse in my head busy running. Why is it that those that drink get a warning about something happening to their babies? Why wasn’t there something out there that could have warned me? Where was my sign – “WARNING – have a perfect pregnancy and you will still lose your child”. How is it possible – me, the girl that would not eat deli meat, drink caffeine, etc, and still my child was the one that lost his heartbeat. Why me? Where was my warning?
It still amazes me that there are so many people out there that do not go about the “socially correct” way to have a child and yet I did and still – Hudson is not with us. Why is it that girls that are too young to be having children are popping out babies left and right? How is it that some girls claim to not even know they are pregnant and then go to the hospital and end up having a baby that is healthy and normal? It blows my mind that those girls claim to not know they were pregnant – how could they not feel their little one moving around? What did they think it was – a twitch?
This all just goes to show that no matter how perfect something goes there is still a chance at an unhappy ending. I remember being pregnant with a girl at work and she was always making comments about how easy my pregnancy was going and how hers was kicking her butt. At the time I thought I was the lucky one – not anymore.
This weekend I learned that the hardest and worst type of lose that people go through is that of the loss of a child. I can completely agree with that. For months and even years before you dream about having a child; someone that is apart of you and then in one instant those dreams are shattered and you are forever filled with an empty void of what ifs. It’s crazy so many people try everyday to have kids without a thought of being heartbroken. Being heartbroken is the only thing I can think of now when it comes to having another child. John and I have been through that once, but would we be strong enough to go through it again? As badly as we want to have more children it is so hard to not have that thought going through our heads.