grief · grieving loss of child · memories · remembering · stillbirth · stillborn

You have how many?

Yesterday afternoon my family and I went to a wedding. The wedding was beautiful and we had a wonderful time socializing with family that we had there. Well, as I was quietly eating my ravioli I overheard my dad talking to one of his cousins and pointing to my sister saying, “she has 2 children, our son has a little girl” and then something else and then the next thing I heard was , “yeah, we have three grandchildren”. I could feel my face heat up – I politely, yet sharply, said “you have four.” Only my mom and sister heard this – usually no one ever hears me when I speak which frustrates me. My dad, the one I wanted to hear me, did not. Then he introduced someone to my sister and they had already met and then turned and asked me if I had met that person. I said yes and then held up four fingers. He said, “I’ve introduced you four times?” I said, “no, you have four grandchildren”. Now, you don’t know this but my dad is deaf – not literally, but he cannot hear anything. He says I mumble, but I guess everyone in the world must mumble because he cannot hear anyone. Anyways, my mom finally told him what I was saying. That was the end of that conversation. I did not want to make it a big deal, but I do want Hudson to be apart of our life.
This morning when I got up I was thinking, was I being irrational? Then I answered myself with a firm NO. Hudson existed, he was life kicking and moving around inside of me. I have pictures of him – I saw him move in ultrasounds. He is my child, he is a grandchild, a nephew, a great-grandchild, a cousin, and hopefully one day a brother. Just because someone dies we don’t take them out of the count. My dad’s father died when he was 16 – I never met him. Does that mean that I take him out of the count? Do I say – “Oh no, I only have a grandmother on my dad’s side.” No, my grandfather existed and even though he is not with us and I never experienced his living self does not mean that he does not count. When you die it does not mean that you never existed. Now I know that my did not mean any harm whatsoever when he said 3 instead of 4 – he is not that type of person. I just know that I will always say that I have a child – and when we have more Hudson will always be a part of the number of children we have. How could I not count my precious and perfect little boy?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s