grief · grieving loss of child · pregnancy · stillbirth · stillborn · tired

I’m Tired

…tired of talking about pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong I am so excited for ALL of my family and friends that are expecting. Amazing that every week someone new is pregnant. I think since we lost Hudson I have found out about 20 people are pregnant and that is probably an understatement. It truly is a great joy that new life is forming all around me. Well, all I can think about is getting pregnant (even though its not my time yet, I still have a few more weeks to wait) and its become an obsession with my mind. I am sad that one of my very best friends, one that would make a wonderful mother, has been trying for months and cannot get pregnant. Its crazy that at 27 years old children and having them is all that is ever discussed in dialogue anymore. Do you want to know the truth? I have always been scared of children. I never jumped at the chance to hold a newborn baby. I think the only ones I ever held were my nieces and nephews – and even then I was scared! I never baby-sat. Well, except that one time when I baby-sat for a little boy and girl and the boy tried to karate chop me and use me as his punching bag….maybe that’s why – ha!
I have anxiety when I am left alone with a child; mainly because I am scared something dreadful will happen that I can’t control. I also always knew that something would be wrong with me when it was my time to have children. Not that anything has been my fault, but I had a strange intuition that child baring would not come easy to me. Everyone else in my family (and most friends) hashad such an easy time with getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having healthy children, but you know how there is always that “one” in every family that things don’t easily happen for? Well, I just knew it would be me. Call me pessimistic – which I am definitely not, but I like to prepare myself for the worst.
Usually I am so upbeat and positive and while I haven’t lost that attitude I think this week has just been a sad one for me. Tomorrow would be the day we should have met Hudson for the first time outside of pregnancy. A girl that was due the day before me had her baby on Monday and all I could think about was that should be me….Hudson should still be inside of me squirming to get out of my overstretched belly. Instead I am working my hardest to lose my belly and the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight. I haven’t even lost the little dark line that forms below the belly button.
Oh well, soon everything will be easier – it has only been 2 months after all.

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One thought on “I’m Tired

  1. I promise I am not stalking you but I use to feel the same way. After I lost my son it seemed like eveytime I turned around one of my friends were pregnant. My husband and I decided to wait and try again and a year and half later we were pregnant again. But only this time my daughter was born at 26 weeks weighing in a 1 lb 13 oz. She is 10 now and I have two more sweet daughters that are 3 and 20 weeks. But, I too use to think “why me” my two sister and brother (his wife) all had healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I am so enjoying your blog.

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