child loss · grief · grieving loss of child · remembering · stillbirth · stillborn

Back to Work

Today was my first day back to work. It has only been a week and a half since Hudson was born and only 4 days since we buried him. Many think that I came back too soon; I feel I came back at the right time. Of course, it is hard to face everyone at work – they last saw this bubbly woman carrying a baby in her outstretched belly. There are those that just want to hug you, those that send e-mails, and then those that are just uncomfortable with the whole thing. I barely made it through the opening prayer – yes we pray each morning before the work day. Actually, I began tearing up when I saw everyone and started getting “the looks”; the looks of “the poor girl that lost her child”. We all give the looks, so there is not any harm in that – I never realized how I would feel when given “the look”.
I composed myself and then sat while we prayed. Once I heard my name and family in the prayer that is when the water works began. I tried my best to hold it in, but sometimes you just can’t help it. I made my fastest run to the bathroom wanting to make an attempt to cover my red teary eyes – hoping no one chased me into the bathroom in an attempt to console me. I have come to realize that I am not a person to be consoled – I like to console myself. It’s the same reason I have always been my own cheerleader and my own motivator. I guess I just take independence to a whole new level.
I definitely think that my first day back to work was much harder than John’s. I think guys just have the “guy pat” and “nod” that they use to console one another without having to actually talk about their feelings. Being a woman we each have the nurturing gene within us and we all feel obligated to console one another with hugs, cries, talks…anything to get it all out.
I absolutely adore each person I work with and appreciate all they have said and done for me. Maybe I am just uncomfortable with the attention it brings. I like to lay low when it comes to something emotional in my life. I don’t feel the need to grieve publicly nor do I enjoy looking sad in front of my peers. Maybe I did go back to work too soon after everything, but I refuse to sit at my house watching TV doing nothing or sitting there just feeling sorry for myself. The best way for me to heal from all of this is to get myself back into a routine. Yes, this is all very hard and my inner strength is working to its core, but in the long run it is what works best for me.

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